Ich will keine Schokolade (I Don’t Want Any Chocolate) by Trude Herr
A few weeks ago, my friend Charlie and I went to the Olympiastadion in Berlin to watch Hertha Berlin lose 2-3 to Bayern Munich in front of a sold-out crowd of 75,000. We did the calculations and found that given the city’s population, around one of every forty-five people in Berlin was in attendance. For me, that’s far too many Germans. I’m also no statistician, so I don’t actually know if one in forty-five is a noteworthy statistic.
On the crowded train ride back, we were listening to music, each with one AirPod in. It was a cute, communal activity. Since my phone’s Spotify was the source, I was mainly the one DJing our small silent rave, until Charlie looked at me with a devious grin, grabbed my phone, and, amidst a couple of hundred beer and piss-smelling football supporters, put on this very song. The result: glorious.
It’s worth noting that this song’s performer, Trude Herr, was a famously plump figure who went by the nickname ‘dat pummel’ (the lout). The second line in the chorus’s verse, ‘ich will lieber einen Mann’ translates to ‘I’d rather have a man,’ making this one of the only songs I know of about the isolating torture of food addiction, and the discomfort of inhabiting a portly body devoid of sexual attraction. (Sorry Lizzo, Trude was first) Well, just about every particular feeling and emotion has an artistic outlet—isn’t it great when it’s a catchy song?