Therefore I Am
Song of the Day 07/12/2022
Therefore I Am by Billie Eilish
I’ve always been somewhat hostile to the Cartesian cogito, ‘I think therefore I am.’ Surely the idea of personal consciousness is not enough to define whether or not we really exist. For Descartes, it isn’t an idea that would prove existence, not even an observation, merely just a thought, such as ‘I’m a party animal,’ or something like that. Besides the point, justifying the proof of one’s own existence with a maxim such as, ‘I think therefore I am’ is far too solipsistic; there’s no relationship to anything external.
For a while now, I’ve much preferred another idea of existence. It’s not necessarily a pronouncement that fully proves that we are here and that we exist. It is, however, something that allows us to think of ourselves in relation to others, something that allows people to build a sense of self. ‘I hate you therefore I am.’
I think it’s fair to say that human beings exist in definition by juxtaposing themselves against the form of an other. We have a tribe that gives us an identity, a feeling of ourselves, that tribe always has an enemy. Those devoid of hatred, or without any real affiliation to a concrete group, ideology, or organized religion, do not exist—the world can’t do anything for you and you can’t do much for it.
As a writer, I don’t know if I exist or not. I definitely think, but I really don’t hate, I don’t have any concrete internality to counter others with. There’s plenty around me I find ridiculous and stupid, there are many things I think to be brilliant and intelligent, and then there are numerous illogical manifestations I find to be beautiful. So I observe. It feels to me, though, that, as Schopenhauer would probably agree, observations are an extension of thought, of our wills and representations of what exists outside of us, so an observation alone is not enough to feel that I really exist.
As soon as I’m part of a group that becomes very attached to any general truth, I like to move away. I sometimes wish I had more of a capacity for hatred, I genuinely believe that if I did, it would lead me to a more clearly defined ego and sense of self. Blind hatred would also be good. I could join a group that says other types of groups are bad, and arbitrarily, I would hate them. I would feel pretty good about myself. Cioran, that fucking kook, once said, ‘you are done for - a living dead man - not when you stop loving but stop hating. Hatred preserves: in it, in its chemistry, resides the mystery of life.’ He never really contradicted that quote. Unfortunately for me, instead of hating, I just prefer not to be around some types of people. I don’t have it in me, and if I do, I’m happy that I haven’t found it yet. I more just like to watch.
If I build any ideas as an unavoidable consequence to watching, the ideas don’t add to the sum of a more tangible theory of the world. They just exist within themselves.